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xsw1ngxd0llx

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xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

I wish time would stop

I wish i could say all the things I want to say.

I wish we could work on things together and I could support you.

I wish I could feel your lips on my skin
I wish I could feel your arms wrapped around me
I wish I could hear your voice in my ear
I wish I could look into your eyes and see the love again
I wish I could slide my hand to fit perfectly in yours

Does pushing me away and hurting me make you feel better?

oh how I wish I could take it all back.

But everything happens for a reason. I just remind myself that I am worth it, and if it isn't mean to be, I will find what is and I will be happy. <3 Knowing you still care is enough for now. I just wish your actions matched your words.

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April 26th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

I should stop posting on here.
and I should really just... stop thinking about it and let go.
because its over. And all that's gonna happen is I'm gonna get hurt more. If he wants me, he can come find me...but at this point I should just assume the worst. He doesn't want me.

I really wanted to believe someone loved me as much as I loved them. He did. I didn't think that kind of love could dissapear.

and even tho I'm sitting here saying I'm giving up, i know I'm not really. That's just not how I am.. I just know I should.

I guess I can't quite assume anything until I get his letter. I just have a bad feeling.

But seriously, I'm like the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. So I guess if he doesn't want me, than it's his loss.

Bye. No more posts.

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April 20th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

I found this today. It made me think a lot. About everything that has gone on. About how many times it's changed and how confusing it is now. I thought everything was so clear friday. I asked him a simple question, do you want to work on it or don't you? and he said he did. It hurts me that he thinks I was trying to pressure him into deciding right at that moment to spend his life with me or not...but I guess maybe I tried a little too hard and pushed him away. But that's just how I am. I love very deeply and with everything I have. The time I have had to think has shown me that we had a really awesome relationship and that I think it is worth saving. But as of this point, There is nothing else I can do. I've pushed and pulled and tried to control it, even though I said I wouldn't. I know I shouldn't have. But there's one thing that is bothering me a little. I really hate that every time I talk to someone they focus on the age difference and tell me that is the reason it didn't work...I don't believe that. It did work. It was only starting to fall apart near the end, and I would not have given up, even though I was thinking about it. Age doesn't matter to me. And it never seemed to matter to Alan, but he mentioned something the other day about me wanting kids and marriage soon and how he didn't... and I wish I could just shout to him that it isn't true. That the age difference doesn't matter to me. He should know. I want to go back to school, I want to figure out my life still. I can't be getting married or having kids for quite a while still. I don't know what caused him to say this because he never said anything before. He even told me once if we were still together by the time i was 25 I could have a baby, lol... I thought it was incredibly cute...but I won't be having kids by then. I won't be ready. By the time I figure school our and my career...he will be finishing school and figuring the same things out, so even though we are at slightly different points in our life, we wont be for long. I wish I could tell him this, but I know the best thing for now is to just give him space, and be patient. I just.. I know what makes me happy...and it's him. There's a big difference between our relationship and the one I had with my ex. I knew my ex didn't love me, I knew our relationship had been ruined beyond repair and that it was bad for me... but I know that Alan really DID love me. I know our relationship was good and I don't believe it's beyond repair. It's very hard for me to believe its completely over...but I am trying to let go and just let life happen. If it's meant to be, it will be. <3 This is not in my hands anymore.

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April 19th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

A friend today helped me realize something very important.

I over-think, and over-analyze EVERYTHING. I knew this, I really did but... Its very true. I have these freak out moments and then look back and go.. what the hell!! I really wish I would remember these things while I was freaking out...

I can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I can't sit and ponder what if to something that may or may not be possible in a way months from now that I have NO control over. If I do I'm just missing out on now. And all I can effect is me, right now. All I can do, is be me...and show people me.

I can't sit around crying about why people don't like me, or why people leave me. I need to show people why I like me, and why I am a good person.

I can be happy. No one else has control over that. It's me. And people have BEEN telling me this and I KNEW it but I didn't believe it until now. I am not defined by the relationship I am in, or the people that choose to be my friends or not. I am defined by my own thoughts an actions. My own being. It's the only thing I can control.

oh gosh I'm so happy right now I could burst. Everything just seems so much clearer. Positive thoughts from now on. I truly believe things will work out <3

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April 14th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

The days are dragging on. I cant believe its only been 8 days. Everything has changed multiple times. Dancing was good friday. I missed Alan, almost broke down at one point but...how can you be sad dancing? i felt pretty.

The likelihood of us getting back together keeps getting slimmer and slimmer. I want to believe it can happen. I'm tired of people telling me we're both so young, and theres so much more to experience still. I refuse to believe every relationship I have at a young age is going to fail. What we had was different. We could talk for hours and never run out of things to say. We could tell each other anything and everything. We were connected on so many levels.. it was like a fairytale. Maybe thats why it couldn't last.

We may both need time to figure things out. But I know who I am. I know I want a relationship like the one we had. I know I have issues to work on and I know how to fix them. I am a strong person and I can get through this. I know that. Even though it sucks horribly. I know that I'm worth a lot and that I deserve happiness. I know it will come eventually. I just hate all the sadness. I used to be such a happy person. She got lost somewhere along the way, I was coming back with Alan, but too many other things got in the way and now I'm worried he wont come back to me. I fear it will be like my ex of 4 years who had way too much fun being single and he will decide he doesn't want me. I know I should also add in that if that happens than he doesn't deserve me or it wasn't meant to be. I know everything happens for a reason. I just hate the reason.

The only option I see that I have, is to get over him and be ok with me....and then whatever happens can happen. Whether he wants me or not, I will be ok. As long as I'm ok, he can move on, or try to get me back. I admit, I hope for the latter...but i just don't know what to think any more.

I'm a silly girl who believe in fairy tales and happy endings. And he's a boy that I thought was an amazing person inside and out.

So lets see what time brings me.

1 comment
April 12th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

And once again I'm alone. The past month has been a whirlwind for my boyfriend and I...I thought out problems were only just below the surface...having to do with being long distance and everyday life issues. We were trying to fix it. But we ended it sunday night. Neither of us wanted to, but I'm pretty sure its the only way for us to fix things.

The truth of the matter is, I was in an emotionally abusive 4 year relationship before this most recent one. It was my first relationship and I poured everything into it, if affected who I currently am as a person..and even though I've worked very hard and come a long way, I can't keep denying that I still have a lot of issues dealing with it, and that those issues are the main reason my relationship fell apart this time. Maybe this is too intense fr a booth posting, I don't know..but I felt like posting somewhere. I have emotional issues. I don't deal with things, I cover them up. And worse than that, I cover them with alcohol. now, I really don't drink that often...sometimes not for weeks. But when I do I go totally to far with it. I denyed this...got offended if anyone tried to tell me, thought it was a trust issue and my boyfriend didnt trust me... it really sucks how it takes losing someone for you to realize. I didn't want to believe it, but he's right. I'm ok at first, but then I change into this other person. Alcohol affects everyone im sure, ...but at a certain level I would tell my boyfriend i hated him and push him away and say very not nice things.... and I have no clue why. H'es so sweet and honest and faithful and caring and amazing. He tried so hard to make me happy and make things work. But he's right..we can't fix this. I have to. I don't like the person I am. I don't want to be that person.

My hearts been in pieces for two days..but at least now I know and I have something to work on. I have no clue what I want or where my life is going right now...but I do know that I should be happy and be able to be on my own..and right now I can't.
And though some people would say he was too young for me and we couldn't make it work for other reasons...I really believe under different circumstances we could have made it work. He may be 3 years younger than me and only been through one relationship, but he was the most understanding, mature, amazing relationship I've had. And maybe one day we will be able to forgive each other for the things we've done and make it work.

sorry for the intense booth.

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April 6th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

tomorrow is my boyfriends birthday

this past sat i took him kayaking.. it was fun. He had never been kayaking. Then we went to old town and watched the car show and walked around..played skee-ball.. twas fun.. the night ended with a surprise party. :)

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March 15th, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

hello dailybooth

how are you today?

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March 3rd, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

I went to my friends wedding on sat. It was beautiful. The perfect mixture or traditional and non traditional.

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March 2nd, 2010
xsw1ngxd0llx snapped a picture

hello dailybooth. This is what my day consists of.

Wake up
Get ready for work
Go to work until 6pm
come home
eat dinner
be lazy
bed

currently at the be lazy part of my day.

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February 24th, 2010
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Jamie is a 24 year old female from United States.

About

My name is Jamie.
I'm a Lindy Hopper ♥
I'm addicted to dancing.
I'm a very open minded person.
I got my BA in Psych at UNF.
Planning on getting my Masters in behavior therapy.
I want to work with special needs children
and learn every form of dance possible.
I have 3 brothers and 1 sister.
I am the oldest child.
I’m learning sign language .
I am left handed.
I like being short (fun size) .
I love my cat/dog weeblo ♥.
I’m a lover of all kinds of music.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve ♥
My eyes change color (but are mostly blue).
I love being random.
I watch disney channel.
I’m very shy, but love to meet new people.
I’m trying to be more outgoing.
My pinkies are crooked (naturally).
I love adventures ♥ and have them often.
I don't wear a lot of makeup...if any at all.
I’m not one of those girls that takes hours to get ready.
I love COLOR (esp. purple).
I can have a good time doing almost anything.
I tend to procrastinate..ALOT.
I’m a big nerd.
I love Christmas Music.
I believe in true love regardless of gender ♥
I like polka dots.
I read a lot…when I have time.
I like bowling (even though I kind of suck).
I like to have fun.
I try not to judge people.
I’m easily amused.
I like to take pictures.
I forgive quickly, but never forget.
Trust is a HUGE thing to me.
I trust easily, but loose it and it's next to impossible to get it back.
I will try anything once.
I have the best friends in the whole world. Hands down.