So in one week I have....
Had and lost a boyfriend.
Had wayy to much fun.
Passed my PT test..but we have to do the run again :/.
Been stupid.
Learned a lot.
Got to drive a car super fast.
and have become a little stronger and smarter.
Oh and I realized I have nothing to complain about anymore..how selfish is it to complain about stupid things when one of my friends has been diagnosed with Leukemia and others are going through horrible heartache? yeah pretty selfish. My prayers are with them.
I have to go to work now...:)
I'm about to do my hair before I go out to the bar with my boyfriend, best army friend and another battle buddy.
Life is good but I miss my best friends back home.
Katrina I'm so sorry about everything that is going on and I hope you know I am here for you...I love you :)
Apparently now I'm a whore and have fucked somebody. OH and someone had to go and tell the commander who gave me the hickies. Yeah after all the crap I've been getting for them the last couple of days. Don't these people think that I already feel like a whore because I was too drunk to even think about hickies and plus I have never had them before? Well the Army is big on perception and I don't think he is to happy that the commander called him out today in front of everyone about giving me hickies. People need to mind their own business. Yeah I showed up to work with these after trying to cover them up, but I wasn't telling anybody who it was. The only reason the people know who know is because they were hanging out with us earlier that night. So way to go me..the girl who is still a virgin is seen as the company slut.
Today I was still sad. I decided to post two pics because my mom doesn't what I'm writing and the Army can't see it either.
I had fun today with the sgts but I know deep down I am not supposed to be here. I just don't get that passionate feeling that I got when I was in JROTC. I truly believe I should of given up on the military thing after high school when things didn't work out. I know that God has a reason for everything, but sometimes we go against the path he wants for us. My mom doesn't understand that whole not being able to let others down. I hated the look of disappointment on peoples faces when I told them I was just going to community college. Now I'm thinking that probably would have been the best place for me. My mom was right in the whole me not being ready to leave home at 18 thing. I thought I was the most independent person on the planet and didn't need anyone to help me with anything. Most people come out of basic training feeling stronger and feeling like they had accomplished something. I came out feeling weaker and feeling like I just slid by. I accomplished way more in JROTC. I went home with a smile on my face because I was home and I was doing what I was "supposed" to do. The best time I had at home was when I went up to Fresno for the weekend with my best friend to visit my best friend/older seester in college. I had never felt so free....or at least hadn't felt that free in so long. I had the only two people in my life who don't judge me, support me and help guide me with harsh advice when I need it. Honestly when my best friend/older seester told me that I was joining for the easy way out...she was right. I was just to stubborn to admit it. I think I shouldv'e stopped when I called my mom the morning before I left for basic from the hotel room begging her to come and get me from LA. She was going to....my dad started yelling at me on the phone and told me I would have to call the recruiters and tell them. Once again I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
Throughout basic I didn't want to disappoint my parents or the Drill Sgts. Especially DS Tolar who continuously pushed me everyday and tried so hard to motivate me.
I look back now and realize that's all I've done in my life...not disappoint anyone. I have done exactly what I am "supposed" to do. Not to say that I never wanted anything. I wanted to be wing commander and be successful. But now I realize the most successful thing you could ever do in life is make yourself happy. My parents don't quite understand that. They are amazing but they focus more on the dollar and wanting nice things as their happiness. Actually now that I look back, that is when my parents were happy with each other. When we had money, a nice car, a nice house and could go on vacations. Now that my dad is working two jobs and stressing about money...they are no longer happy. I think my mom is trying to impress her family back home. She feels that she is lacking something but in reality she is not. Yeah she pisses me off and stresses out a lot...but she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She taught me to never rely on a man and so far I have not been that kind of dependent...to give up my morals and beliefs just to keep someone. I'm proud of that. I hope one day she will realize what an awesome woman she is. Even if I do blame her for things sometimes.
To me money is not happiness. Being around people that love me...even if it's in a shitty vortex or a town....is better than having money and being completely miserable. Besides the ones that love me and I love dearly, singing is the only thing that takes me away from all the pain. But I barely do that anymore...actually I just sang for the first time since I left home. Now I know that I am not happy.
This might be a little harsh but I have thought about...taking my life. I started throwing up my food because I don't want to exceed the army weight standards and I need to lose 20 pounds. If I still got to see Jesus I would probably do it. But I can't do that to God, my family or my friends. I feel trapped and stuck.
I decided I will try on the PT test but if I fail twice so be it...anything is worth not being stuck here for 5 years.
I don't think people really understand me when I say that I am unhappy. They think that I am just homesick...maybe I am. But in reality I've never been this miserable.
Today I have to go into work on a Sunday at 0630...6:30am. Yeah I wouldn't mind if I was working the road but I'm not. Oh well. That's all part of being in the Army.
Today I also miss my family and friends a lot. The urge to call my mom is very strong but I don't want to be upset all day because I have a feeling it is going to be a very long day.
All in all its not a bad thing that I'm working. I'm not allowed to say why I am working but I hope that when my day comes they will do the same. Same as in I'm hoping all of this gets better. The Army gets better, being away from home gets easier and me feeling like I made a mistake goes away. Things are going to be a bit crazy lately. I need to start relying on God again. Only he can make this all better.
Hope you all have a wonderful night (if you are on the other side of the world). Then have an awesome day :)
