DailyBooth

Sorry to sour the mood of the day, but today is the day of of my grandads funeral. I wanted to keep a little reminder of how i feel today.

I found out you were dying along time ago, you were diagnosed with alzheimer's about 6 years ago, before then i never even heard of it, now it gives me nightmares every so often.
I know its a horrible thing to say but over the years watching you slowly fade away and physically deteriorate helped soften the blow, or so i thought.
I found out you were going to die when i was away on tour, i was in reading at the time, it was the worst feeling i think i have ever felt.
Again its horrible to say but my other grandparents that have died didn't have this much of an effect on me because i never really knew them, but once upon a time you were like a second father to me. Our holidays in harland sands are the best memories i have.
This is the closest i have ever felt to death, and its strange since you left i have felt it looming over me. I think its something i am going to have to get used to.
When i found out you had died i was playing a show in edinbrough, when we finished playing i went and cried in a toilet cubical for about 4 hours straight. It felt i had ran out of tears. My throat was siezed up and i lost my voice.
You meant the world to me, there are soo many things that i never got to say to you because in the past couple of years you didn't even recognise me, but still i enjoyed our conversations about the man you saw flying around the garden and the sat ontop of the garage and the little birds you heard talking about you. I think insanity was a better place to be than realising that you were plain and simply dying in a bed you had not left in about 3 years.
So today is a shitty, shitty day but i'm glad you're not suffering anymore and after all of that i'm soo happy you died in your sleep, thats all i could ever ask for.

I love you Grandad, R.I.P. x

"I didn't get to say goodbye,
I thought that you would never leave.
But now you're gone,
I've still got so much left to say.

All those years we didn't speak,
All those words I should have said.
But now you're gone,
And there's nothing I can do.

It doesn't matter how hard I scream,
These songs won't bring you back."
- Nicholas Worthington (Dead swans)