I'm being a slacker today. My entire day lies in the palm of my hand :P
I had an insane week taking some of the hardest midterm exams I've ever taken in my life. You know that feeling when it's finally over? After weeks of misery? Yup, that's me today. Partay.
But its been an amazing week as well because I had a new epiphany about myself. In the past, I never could have handled 20 units, original research project, teaching female sexuality, YouTube, AND a part time job. NO WAY. As recently as a year ago such a schedule would have (and did) have me lapsing into attacks of anxiety and depression almost every week.
But this week, I've felt amazing. Totally relaxed and peaceful, walking into my tests stressed, but confident in myself. I feel this is because of a lifestyle change that I made between last year and now. Aspects of my lifestyle are controversial, but whatever, it's helping me sooo much and it's way more effective and safe than the anxiety drugs doctors used to try to shove down my throat.
So, today, I'm letting myself take a break. I need to re-energize and just take some time to breathe. I think I deserve it (I have to remind myself because I'm a psycho). I have packed schedules day to night for the next two weeks. The next break I get will be to celebrate my 21st in a few weeks. Joy. I love getting old. :|
Having serious problems pumping out a video for tomorrow. I think it's because:
1. I'm tired
2. I'm preoccupied
3. ...and thus uninspired
4. I'm being too much of a perfectionist
5. All the topics I want to talk about require more then 2 minutes & are thus inappropriate for a quickie.
6. Don't have time to do a full video right now anyway.
7. Did I mention I'm tired?
8. I'm also irritated that I keep procrastinating shit.
On the upside, I'm pretty amped that I hit 100,000 subscribers yesterday. It's kind of...insane. Thanks everyone for your endless love. Not only on my channel, but on my last angrybooth... :D
can i just rage for a second? seriously. RAGE. i'm really frustrated. put on a helmet.
1. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS. But I need them. I want a healthy relationship so bad. Good relationship=good sex. I can't do this hookup shit anymore, it doesn't fulfill me.
2. I can't be happy without sex. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't fucking careeee I WANT SEX. I get depressed and annoyed easily when I'm not having enough. I WANT IT EVERY FUCKING DAY. And I want it to be GOOD, none of this shitty stuff.
3. I don't have the time or energy to date a lot and find someone I might like to get to know.
4. There are a few guys who have been really persistent about meeting up again, but I have so many demons in my head right now that I feel like it wouldn't be fair to them.
5. people fucking SUCK AT COMMUNICATIONF:OI E(RW"(#(UU(@#RJ(@"#"OJP'. Just talk to me11111111111111111111111111111111ITSNOTTHATHARD
6. I hate being this busy. I hate having something to do every second.
7. I don't know what I want for my future, for my relationships, for anything. I'm having an existential crisis. I try not to let on to it online but I'm going to explode. NOT THEGOODKIND EITHER
8. I decided I'm taking a break from school next year. I'll go to grad school in 2012 but WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT ILL BE DOING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO WEIRD LATELY THAT IDK WTFFFFFFFF. Ok, I'm going to work or travel or something.
9. Fuck hormones because that shit is SO INCONVENIENT JESUS CHRIST
10. WHY DOES EVERYONE FUCKING FEEL LONELY WHY CANT WE ALL JUST TALK ABOUT IT AND BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER
11. WHY IS EVERYBODY DYING? Life is so impermanent. I can't deal with this shit.
12. FFFFFffffffffffffffffffff
Okay, I'm done raging. Online, any way. :) i <3 u.
