So only 15 more days until I get to go see @Otatoptaerg and I'm really excited, and really nervous, and really excited... and a little nervous. More excited than nervous, lol.
There's also a part of me that's absolutely terrified about something that most likely won't happen, but could possibly happen...
I just finished reading a message from my mother, she's been saying my grandfather isn't getting any better. He's been in the hospital since a few weeks now, he's lost around 50lbs, mostly in fluid (and he's a big guy, so it's most likely good he's lost that much, just not that quickly). He's pretty much been in bed the entire time, and I feel really bad for him. Plus my mom is a negative person when it comes to people's health. She told me he doesn't want the IV treatments they've been giving him, he pulled it out once and they put it back in. My mom said "He don't want to take his pills no more either, he just wants to die." I think those are her words and not his, my Poppy doesn't give up, he's where I get my stubbornness from. Also my aunt Sylvia (my favourite family member, I love her as much as I love my mother) had to be put in the hospital, mom said she had an anxiety attack "or something". Sylvia is my mom's sister, and my mom's other sister Della is now starting her chemotherapy. Plus my mom's aunt is in the hospital now too, apparently she isn't eating and they think she may have had a stroke. So my mom's side of the family isn't in good shape right about now.
I think the worst that could happen is my Poppy passes away while I'm visiting Sky, it'd be horrible because 1: he'd be gone, and 2: it would really add a sadness to my visit to see Sky, and I don't want that, I wanna go there and make Sky happy and for me to be happy as well.
There's no cancelling the trip to meet Sky, I wouldn't anyway, me going to see my grandfather wouldn't save him, but when I lose my poppy, I know I'm going to be really sad for a while. Sky always cheers me up but I wouldn't want that to become his duty, to cheer me up because I lost my grandfather, that's not his responsibility.
The amazing part about Sky is he cheers me up instantly without any effort, hearing his voice kinda makes all the annoying and depressing things just go away, and he doesn't even have to try. I don't wanna put any pressure on him, I just want him to be my boyfriend and for us to be happy. Even when I'm pissed off or sad, the moment I start talking to him it's like that stuff doesn't matter, what matters then is I have someone I really care for and it feels like he really cares for me too.
I've also decided that if somehow I do have cancer, I'm not telling my parents. They've got way too much on their plates as it is, I don't need them worrying about me when it won't help any. If the lump on my chest is serious then I'll let my brothers know under the circumstance that if they tell mom or dad, I'm chopping off their testicles and toes while they sleep. I love them dearly but if I have a serious medical condition, I have the right to who knows about it and who doesn't.
I'm going to set up my appointment for a mammogram tomorrow. If it costs money to have it done then I'll wait until I get back from visiting Sky. Money would be tight around here even if I wasn't going on a trip, that's why I sold my iPad to cover my plane ticket, so when I tell people, they can't get angry with me for spending "money I didn't have". I got the money fairly easily, I sold a valuable item that I started to lose interest in. Simple as that. I'm still paying my rent and covering all my own bills and most of my food expenses, except when my brother decides to make food for me or treat me to a burger.
Anyway, I've got a lot running through my head, hence the birdies, lol. There's a lot of negative things going on, but there's a lot of positive things going on as well. I'm going to stick to the positive side, my Poppy is still alive, I'm still living under a solid roof, I still have food and 2 jobs, plus an amazing guy who makes every day that much better. That's why I have to go down there, so I can do everything I can in person to make his day that much better, and make that wonderful smile pop up on his cute face :) And then I will kiss him really quickly and not give him any warning at all :P
I <3 you @Otatoptaerg
