Hey Guys,
Ugh. I know it's been awhile.. again. I try to get on here as often as I can, but life has been pretty hectic with school starting up again. Another thing I thought I'd fill you guys in on, is that I deleted my last photo because, the content of it was directing a lot of hate mail at me telling me I need help and otherwise, so that's why It had disappeared if you were wondering. But I suppose I shall get to the acutal caption of today's photo.
Today, I visited all the places of our fondest memories and drowned myself in the thought of you. But today? Today, was different. I didn't feel the need, to be angry or upset.. I think I've finally accepted it, Autumn. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll never forgive all those people who were constantly breaking you down, and I'll never forgive myself, for not realising sooner. But, I think I finally understand that, wherever you are, you're doing okay.. and that, if it were me up there, I wouldn't want you moping around everyday in regret and bitterness. I'd want you to move on with your life, explore new things, and meet new people. I know, its going to be hard.. but, I know that you're doing better now, wherever you may be, than down here on this land of disasters. I will never ever, forget you.. I promise you that. And, I will continue to write you. But, from now on, I'll try to keep my writings positive, for you. I love you, Autumn. Please, forgive me.
Autumn, I'm sorry I haven't written you in awhile.
So, do you know what today is? .. Not that anyone should be celebrating. Today, it has been exactly six months since I found you dead. Six months, and I'm still not ready to let go. Everyday since then, I couldn't and still can't find it in me to forgive myself for not being there sooner. I wish, I would've told you earlier, how much you meant to me.. that I loved you. That I still love you. I'm sorry, so sorry.. that it was too late before those kids realized just how far they pushed you Autumn. Nothing, will ever erase what I felt after the sight, of you hanging there, lifeless.. nothing, not even the worst diagnosis of Alzeheimers. So, don't ever let it cross your mind for even a second, that I've forgotten about you, because that'll never happen. At least, not intentionally. One day, when I grow old. I may become, feeble and forgetful, sitting there on my deathbed. I may not remember, the little things, like how your favorite color was indigo, the smell of the perfume you used to wear, or how you tried so hard not to smile when you were mad at me. Shit, you know. I may not even remember your name. But, I will never forget those eyes of yours. Those beautiful, brown eyes that had me captivated from first sight. Just know.. no matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me, I just hope, that where ever you are, you see this.. and it gives you that much more hope. I'll see you up there some day, I promise you.. Just keep your chin up. I love you, Autumn.
-Allen
Mom,
I'm sorry, I can't be the perfect son, you always say you wish I was. But, I wish you understood. I wish, you could have a day in my shoes just to realize. Because no matter how many times, I can try to explain to you, exactly how I feel & and why I feel what I do. None of those words, will ever do my feelings justice. I wish, you knew the things I felt, the things that run through my mind every time I swallow that damn pill, to calm my clinic depressions. I wish, you knew the feeling of unhumaness I feel every single day. You know the day, Autumn died? When I found her hanging? I tell everyone, I've never cried so much. & God, you have no idea how much I wanted to, but these stupid pills.. just wouldn't let me. But, I'll keep taking them to make you happy, but just know every time I smile, I'm lying. To you, to me, to the world. I hope, one day you will realize I'm much more, than this prescribed bottle of pills.
Giving a speech at your funeral today, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I knew that no matter what words I could have peiced together to describe the kind of man you were, the kind of loss everyone felt, would never do you justice.You were the kind of man, that took the simplist things, and made them so much more. You always had that big ol' smile on your face, even in times of pain. It's so hard, to believe you're actually dead and never coming back. I mean, we were all told about your death, but I guess you could say not many of us heard. I want to thankyou, for always being there when I needed you. But, you never really were an uncle to me, you were more than that.. you were the father I never had. There were so many good memories stirred up in our minds today, and believe me some of the best ones. I will never forget you. By the way, I'd like to say congratulations uncle, today you filled the church, not one seat left, and even left many standing. I hope where ever you are, you know just how much, just how many people care about you & that you will never be forgotten. You may be dead, but you're not gone. You're always here. I love you pal. <3
- Allen.
PS;
Aunty, and Jen miss you terribly, but they're going to be just fine. You're forever in out hearts. & This is not a goodbye, just a see you later & untill then.. rest in peace.
'Dad',
I know you'll never see this, but I still don't know what to say. To be honest, It's kind of awkward actually. I haven't seen you in years, and for those who know the damage you've done, would say I'm bonkers for missing you. Does it even bother you 'dad'? I feel like, you don't even care to aknowlege the fact, that you have an ex-wife, trying so hard to raise your soon-too-be seventeen year old son out there, while me and mom have permanent memories of our own, scars from you. I bet you're out there, where ever you might be, living your guilt-free life, while mom and I are over here struggling to get by. You know, the last time I even heard from you, was five whole years ago, remember that? You overdosed. You wound yourself up in that hospital, only to call me and tell me, it was all my fault.. for every goddamn day you spend in that phsyiatric ward. Part of me, is happy that you left because, now me and mom are free of your controlling self. Plus, I'll never have you as a father figure, I'll never turn out to be the man you were. But the other half, feels completley empty knowing sure, I've had stepfamily, but i'll never know what it's like to live in a household with a dad who's bloodrelated. So props to you 'Dad', It's a tie.
-'Love', your son Allen, incase you forgot.
Dear Uncle,
Aunty and Jen, they're not doing so well.
They miss you terribly. It sucks, that you never got a warning on when you're time was due & I'm so sorry you never got to live your life to full extents, you were too busy renovating the house you never got to enjoy.
You were a great man, and taught me many things. I remember the day you looked me in the eye and said. " Allen, someday, someone is going to appreciate you. " And believe me, everytime I'm down, the sound of your voice replays it in my head. You're gone now, but you'll always be with us. Please always know, you'll never be forgotten. I love you. See you Monday, pal.
ps - thankyou for everything, you truly were my hero.
-Allen.
hey guys, this is a quick booth.
I just wanted to let all you incredible people know, for the next four days I'm not going to be around much.. so If I don't get back to your comments/messages/follows right away, I will asap.
<3 have a good next four days guys!
Schools finally out, yay. (:!
Today, I walked past a group of guys making obnoxious comments about the girls in their grade & don't doubt I said something about it. I don't think many guys realise the pressure that girls are put through, to strive to be perfect. From day one, they're taught what clothes are appropriate, that they're expected to wear makeup & how to act. I know on the other hand, that guys are under pressure too.. but you hardly ever see guys looking in magazines, & being affected by all the men in them. Girls should be treated equally with respect, no matter what their appearance might be. I myself have a little sister, and I know that I wouldn't want any guy, or infact anyone talking about her in that way. Beautiful does not come in one size, colour or shape - and so far, society has done a terrible job at showing so. Its sad to be honest.
Dear Females,
On behalf of the males on this earth, I'd like to appologise for some of us who, don't see behind the makeup, the clothes, and the size of your bodies. It's dissapointing isn't it? I'm not just making this post, because I want to be one of those douchebags who has the girls telling him " oh, you're so adorable, sweet.. ect" I'm making this post to show you some brief hope, that there are guys out there that aren't looking for girls to do the deeds with them, some of us are just simply looking for someone to care for and that will care for him. Don't let them get to you!
- Allen
So, today I realised that, a lot of you seem to like the little blurbs on my posts. I tend to get a lot of positive feedback. Another thing I realised while looking at the livefeed today, was that a lot of us are going through struggles big, and small.
But no matter the size of the problem, they're all equally important & the sad part is, some of us have noone to talk to. So what I decided, is that - I know I don't know a lot of you, but still this is for anyone who needs a little advice, or time to vent.. don't hold back from sending me an inbox. The main reasons I even joined daily booth are because
1) I love photography.
2) I love inspiration, and I may be one person, but I want to make a change and show people not all people fit their stereotypes.
So, anyone having a hard time out there.. my inbox is open..
But first, I'm going to reassure you a few things.
If you're asking for advice/venting .. I will NOT judge you & most deffinatly will NOT pressure you in anyway.
I just like to help people out. No strings attached, I promise.
I'm so sick, of peoples ignorance and immaturity.
Do me a favor.
Click 'Live Feed', and just look around for a few minutes.
What do you see? I see, people trying to share something with the world. We need to stop judging people based on how they wish to present themselves, because let me tell you, theres a lot more to that person than you'll ever know. We need to stop acting like, we've never seen an overweight person before. We need to stop looking people over, because you don't find them 'attractive', dailybooth isn't a dating site. We need to stop judging people based on their sexual orientation, because no matter what your belief is, its not going to have any impact on it. Ect.
I don't think you realise what you can do to people, by just using words.
I recently lost a bestfriend due to suicide, I was inlove with her, and the day I decided to go tell her how I felt, I found her dead. It was the worst feeling in the world. She'd committed suicide because she never felt enough for people, she was always trying to better herself, but people just didn't appreciate it. But, those people never saw what I saw. A beautiful soul..
Dear People of Dailybooth,
Don't let anyone get to you, you're beautiful - and someday you're going to be enough for someone, somewhere out there. So, keep your chins up, and keep smiling. Keep sharing your gifts with the world, keep inspiring people. I know it'll mean the world to someone out there.
