So these past two days have been perfect.
I spent my Sunday night getting a sunburn with a group of lovely people. We had a sort of barbecue, we danced, we sang, we talked, we got drunk (well, they did, 'cause I don't drink). I talked to new people and I hugged my friends. We went to the beach and watched the sunset. We stayed until it was almost dark and we froze our asses off. I borrowed a jacket and we sang the mario theme song. We bonded. I feel like this was the perfect night. This was what summer is. Summer is friends and laughter and staying out until the sun goes down. And I loved every minute of it. I felt young and I felt alive. So I thank everyone who was there. It was perfect.
@Loic_B Hahaha, oh, you're funny ;) and I know it's a perfectly normal feeling, but it still worries me.. I am happy mostly though, so it's all good I guess :')
Life would definitely be so much better, if only I was happy.
You know, it's not even because I don't try anymore. I really do try to stay happy and cheerful, but it's fucking hard ok. Everything is just so wrong and I'm on a downwards spiral. It's not because I want to die. Or that I'm even sad. I'm just not happy. I can feel happy, in the moment, but it's never a real happiness that stays with me. I guess I'm just caught between these two sides of me. One is depressed and sad. The other is happy and funny and cracking jokes. I'm neither of those. I'm right in the middle. I'm left in a mess of feelings and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. People can make me happy. But people can also make me sad and angry. I feel like I'm vanishing into myself and I don't even care. I don't really feel anything. It's the absence of feelings that scare me. How can you not feel? Feelings are what makes us human. It's weird. And I don't know if I'm sad or angry. I just know that I'm not happy.
Writing the biggest paper of the year and I'm not sure about the quality of it and to make it worse, when my brother did it, he got an A- and it's so much pressure tbh:///
The problem with me, is that I have a habit of distancing myself and I don't realize it until it's too late. I have a habit of hating on everyone around me, no matter what our relation is. I know that it makes me a horrible person, but I don't care. I've accepted that, that is just how I am and people need to shut up. The only people I consider close friends, are from my old school and Framlingham. I'm clinging to them - to the friendship's that were ten years in the making. They're just more real, you know? I've known these new people since late August and they're fun and all, but.. I can't help but think that they're only friends with me because they need someone to hang with throughout high school. That's what I'm doing with some of them, so of course it could be reversed. And I don't blame them. I'm not gonna speak to these in five years, at least not the majority of them, so why share my entire life with them? I just don't see the point. I guess I just don't want to get attached. Because in two years time, it's goodbye and we go our separate ways. I'll probably never see them again in my life and I guess that, that is what scares me. I can't see the point in opening up to them, when they're just passing through my life. I don't know. It might change. But as of right now; I'm distancing myself and I'm okay with that. I'm just looking out for myself.
