Just got back home from work. I like this job because I just pretend to do work all day.
I was walking into an elevator and the black man that was inside hit 'door close' and I was about to get crushed. I tried to summon my carny-like strength, but my short hands didn't help me. An Asian man saved me by prying the doors open. Eff that black man, I thought us darkies have to stick together.
Someone installed a phone in my office but did not leave the code for the voicemail, so I have 3 unheard messages that I can't access. I'm pretty sure they're all from my Mom.
I gave my Mom that number and told her she could reach me there if it was an emergency and I wasn't picking up my cellphone. She doesn't care and calls me everyday.
Today, she called me to ask what I use to season beef and to tell me that my Father has diarrhea.
This is my new effin' haircut. Bitches love my haircuts.
Today, my mom asked us to add anything that we wanted to the shopping list she had started. I noticed that she wrote 'penut butter'.
My sister then asked her how to spell peanut butter, she then said happily 'P-U-N-T'. My sister spit tea all over me, lols ensued.
I wrote 'cheddar cheese' on the list. This really confuses her. She only believes 5 cheeses exist in the world; Yellow, White, Parmesan, Provolone and Havarti. I corrected it and wrote 'Yellow cheese' on the list instead.
Either my mom is slow or she's the world's greatest troll.
I went on a trip with my sister to WalMart to print photos and get groceries. I always forget that the guy that works there went to elementary school with me and still lives up the road. I have this fear that he’ll steal our photos, make copies, photoshop himself in and keep it in his shrine. If we ever did report photos missing, he’d probably say ‘Oh, they must have gotten jammed in the machine.’
Next, I saw another guy I went to school with and avoided eye contact because I don’t remember his name. He noticed me and smiled. So awkward.
At the deli section, the woman told us there was a recall on all the beef products – I opted for ham. In the bread section, there was a black woman who kept squeezing the loaves. Ease up, lady. It’s bread, not fruit. She didn’t even end up buying any bread – What in the eff?
We never remember where we park the car so we sound the alarm and follow the siren. We get about 5 feet from the car and started cussing furiously. A couple slowed down and glared at us. The back bumper of our car was on the ground and our light was smashed in. I started calling the police.
The couple told us that an Asian man in a grey pickup truck pulled out of the spot beside us, hit our car and ripped our bumper off. He then proceeded to get out of his own car to check for damages on his vehicle, got back into his car and drove away. That son of a bitch. Luckily, they took down his license plate number.
I told my sister to lay down under the car so I could take her picture. Milk that insurance money. Guy from school that I don't know his name drives by and asked what happened. I told him I was trying to parallel park. He laughed and left. So awkward.
Sketchy tow truck driver shows up and tells us that the police officer knows he’s a good guy and he’ll tow us to the collision centre. I said no thanks, we’ll wait. The police officer leaned in and told me that guy’s company is a scam.
The car was taken to the collision centre. The damage is estimated at $2000. The car is bad luck. We’re going to sell that shit on Craigslist after it’s fixed. No report on the Asian man yet, I hope he burns in hell.
Spent the afternoon installing cabinets in the laundry room and cutting tile. My dad thinks I'm his son. He then rewarded me with Mexican beer -- quite fitting.
This is what happens when you ask for a Barbie Dream House for Christmas and your father gets you a DeWalt 18V cordless drill.
Update: Uhh, so I thought it was for 'Slumdog Millionaire 2' but apparently it was 'Cumdog Millionaire 2'. I didn't even know there was a first. Either way -- I got the part.
