If I were to die tomorrow and the only evidence of my prior existence (my legacy, if you will) remained in the form of my Dailybooth uploads, I'd be ok with that.
They represent everything I am and everything I believe in.
This sounds like a suicide note, but it's not.
Or maybe it is.
I don't know, I haven't really been dead before. I don't know if it's for me or not. I guess I should at least try it, then I can decide.
I've prewritten a eulogy to be read at my funeral by a stern old man of the cloth:
"Here lies a man/boy who died as he lived;
Clutching his penis,
Masturbating furiously in an office elevator.
He was a strange man.
He would scream at his own knees, sometimes.
He was a hot guy and I would totally date him.
Even now, in his pallid, rigormortified state,
He's still got it.
I would tap that shit.
Amen.
I should just add as a side note that whoever here owns the red Ford Cortina parked outside needs to move their car as it is blocking a fire exit, thus contravening our health and safety code. Thank you".
I've posted this before but I don't think it was quite appreciated enough the first time.
I mean look at it, see it with your eyes, let it into your mind.
Deep inside you've always felt an absence of direction in your life, like you're lost in the grand conflagration of noise and light and terror that is existence, a frail scrap of flesh blown by a senseless wind through a maze of iron walls from which protrude fists and dicks, a lonely stump of an arm in a gallery of handheld videogame consoles; you know there's more to this, you just can't find the means by which to attain it.
Well now you've seen the truth, now you can be free, now you can live.
Go out into the world and carry the message of thunderstormdog.jpg in your heart, your mind and your soul, and your tits.
My public image consultant and I spent the last few days trying to work on a look that will really resonate with the modern youth and expand my fanbase into the next generation of consumers.
This is what we came up with.
We're also working on a new skateboard/energy drink cup holder hybrid.
I'm thinking of joining a dating site.
Here is the picture and description I will use:
Good dawn/morning/midday/afternoon/evening/dusk/night/midnight (please choose the option most relevant to your current time (I appreciate that this may cause some inconvenience if you are without timepiece and/or access to the outside world via a door/window/hole/portcullis (please choose the option most relevant to your surroundings, unless of course you are already outside, in which case this does not apply to you), thus being quite unable to accurately discern the exact hour at which you are reading this, ergo rendering my initial invitation to choose a chronologically applicable time period (the choices being dawn, morning, midday, afternoon, evening, dusk, night and midnight, if you recall) futile. In this scenario I implore you to accept the following alternate greeting: Hello)).
I am seeking a female human with which to propagate my species, via intercourse.
All I look for in a woman is that she be a healthy host for my seed; she need be little more than a receptacle, much like a toilet, except for reproductive fluids rather than shits and wee wees.
I can offer absolutely no emotional, sexual or intellectual gratification whatsoever. If I were to draw a pie chart representing the components of our potential "relationship" (I use quotation marks to denote irony, seeing as it would be severely lacking almost all of the characteristics that define the term), with aquamarine representing emotional bonding, mauve representing intellectual interaction, khaki representing physical and spiritual intimacy, and beige representing loveless, sub-par thrusting, the result would be a completely beige pie.
Once my progeny has been splashed from your insides, I shall take him away and leave you only with irreparable physical, emotional and financial trauma.
