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jakefox
The Holy Bodnaruk
Part 1
Chapter I
Once there was a boy who lived in a village. It was not a large village, not a rich village; just an average Ukrainian village in the middle of the countryside. The boy, who had never known any different, was for the most part, satisfied with his life. He had a secure job as the farmer's chief pig milker and was at the age that boys really started to appreciate the taste of meat delicacies such as Proschutto and Haggis. Every night when the boy returned to his home, he would start his routine which consisted of brushing his teeth, cleaning the rubber ducks and cooking Haggis. Just as he was beginning to cook his Haggis one night, he noticed a knock on the window. Of course, there was only one person it could be and that was his brother Klive. He must have just forgotten his key and needed to be let into the house. The boy walked over to the window, and slowly opened it in order to build suspense. But when the window was open, he did not see Klive. He looked around in every direction, then at the grass around the rim of the house. Then to his great surprise, he saw a little tortoise. The boy felt shocked to see such a sight in his village, he had never seen a tortoise before and hadn't a clue what it was. The creature had a strange greenish-brown shell and a small, round head. Printed on the shell in large red letters, which the boy noticed were in the 'Times New Roman' font, the words 'JENNI WILL EAT TORTOISE IF BOY NOT RUSTLE TO MOUNTAIN'. Right away the boy knew that this meant that his friend Jenni had been kidnapped by the Moskovites, a hooded Clan of Wolf bearing Gypsies, clad in garments of white and bronze. Fear seeped into the boy’s heart. He knew that nobody had ever survived a kidnapping by the Moskovites, most of the previous victims had been found 26 days later washed up in the local water supply. They were all dead and in miniature form as if they had been cleaning the rubber ducks. He had to do this as his mother would never forgive him if she found even a single stain on one of the rubber duck's beaks. After approximately 34 minutes, he had cleaned all the rubber ducks and set about packing his bag for the quest at hand. He packed all the things that he thought of as most important, his toy spoon, his pencil sharpener and one spare pair or pants just in case the ones he was wearing got dirty. He was now ready to set out.
Chapter II
It had been 19 days now since the boy had packed his belongings and prepared to leave. He was still at home. Although he woke up with the intention of leaving each day, he simply had always forgotten by the time he had finished his breakfast. Klive had been home on four occasions during that time and had grown a beard which he claimed he could not shave, the boy did not have a clue why and did not particularly care. On the 20th day the boy woke up and decided, it was time, no more messing about. The boy decided it was time to save his friend Jenni from the Moskovites, a hooded Clan of Wolf bearing Gypsies, clad in garments of white and bronze. He decided that first he would finish his breakfast of bread and tortoise soup, then he checked his toy spoon, his pencil sharpener and one spare pair or pants one more time just to fully make sure they were all in working order, for the tough mission that awaited him. The boy walked through his village, whilst the gloomy faces of the locals stared right through him, they knew exactly what was going on, they knew that Jenni had been kidnapped by the Moskovites, and they also knew that nobody had ever survived a kidnapping by the Moskovites, most of the previous victims had been found 26 days later washed up in the local water supply. The boy decided to ignore the locals, but first he had to do something, he had to find his brother Klive, who was line dancing with the local walrus, and say goodbye to him, he did not know if he would ever return. So the boy walked in to the public house, where Klive was having a valiant discussion with the walrus about the Holy land, but to the boy’s shock horror, Klive seemed to shrink and turn into a tortoise, right infront of his very eyes. This was not good for the boys diestaeloginical health, he knew this was a message sent from the Moskovites. It was a warning, that if he went within ten miles of the mountains of Flaabadab, where the Moskovites were based, he would be shot in the head. The boy had some quick thinking to do, he knew he had to devise a new plan, and fast, but first, he had to comfort his brother Klive, he made a promise to Klive there and then, that he would return him to his human form.
Chapter III
The boy was once again nearly ready to leave, when he discovered that his bags were unpacked. He soon realized this was because he had kept taking his clothes out to replace his dirty laundry. After finding half of his clothes he decided to have a rest. The boy woke up five hours later and once again started looking for his clothes, however he could not find them. After waiting for his mother to come home from mining, he asked where his clothes were. His mother told him that they were hanging up to dry in the garden and wouldn’t be dry until sun rise the next morning. The boy, annoyed that he would have to wait another day to set off on his journey, had dinner, which consisted of French onion pie with pelican juice and went to bed. The next morning the boy awoke to the sound of beetles, the boy raced outside but when he reached the garden he was greeted by a nasty surprise. Only half of the clothes that were on the line the day before were still there. However, next to a grey song, he noticed a note which had been pegged to the line. The boy carefully unhinged the peg and took the note down. The note read that if he wanted to see his washing again he must take a bottle of olive oil, clotted cream and a cress and egg sandwich to the woods of Tibah at 9.00 AM sharp. Realizing he was pressed for time, he quickly made the sandwich and found the olive oil. However he was out of clotted cream. The boy ran to the shop only to find there was no clotted cream. However he noticed a wizard’s recipe book. He browsed through and found out the easiest way of creating clotted cream was to turn a horse into a sheep and then into cream. Luckily the Boy’s enemy Donavon Busquets was outside with his prize horse Sea Biscuit. The Boy knowing the dangers of his actions ran up to Donavon and told him that his house was on fire. Donavon ran back to his house as quickly as his two legs would carry him and forgot about poor Sea Biscuit. The boy then took out some orange juice, which he had just taken from the shop, poured it on the horse and said the word ‘dooagbily’. The horse had turned into a sheep. The boy then got out some grapes and promptly fed them to the sheep. This time the boy muttered the words ‘byamshi koane’. The sheep transformed into a perfect tub of clotted cream. The boy then asked Mr. Owl, the local barn owl, what the time was. Mr owl replied in Dutch. The boy then picked up the tub and with his olive oil, sandwich and clotted cream ran to the woods of Tibah, fully aware that he only had 32 minutes to make the transfer of delicacies for clothes.
Chapter IV
The boy was located on the outskirts of the forest of Tibah when Edgar the Octopus leaped from the top of a Cedar tree and grabbed hold of his hair. In his extreme state of shock and fear, the boy dropped everything. The clotted cream and oliveoil were absorbed by the bread of the sandwich. At this point we must inform the reader that Edgar was not actually an octopus. He had been given that nickname many decades ago as the result of a dreadful rumour. The rumour claimed that Edgar had once eaten a rotten haggis which had caused him to sprout extra bodyparts, leaving him with 8 of every part of his anatomy. Life was hard for him but he found satisfaction by jumping out of trees and scaring people in the forest of Tibah. The boy looked down at his sandwich and to his horror, he saw that something magical was happening. A vast entanglement of leaves was emerging from the very depths of the sandwich, creating some very interesting patterns. The boy, intrigued, decided to sit on an igneous rock to enjoy the rest of the show. After approximately 3 hours of watching the movement of the flying entanglement of leaves, the boy began to grow bored. This made no difference at all though, as the boy had won medals for his extreme patience in the past. Finally, 2 hours later, something legible was being formed by the leaves. The message was familiar. It said 'JENNI WILL EAT TORTOISE IF BOY NOT RUSTLE TO MOUNTAIN'. The Moskovites had obviously realised that the boy had forgotten about his Jenni and were sending him a mystical message to remind him. The boy felt ashamed of himself. How could he prioritise his laundry above his love of Jenni? How could he be such a selfish person? He then also remembered the promise he had made to his brother, Klive. He felt another sudden pang of guilt and remembered that he had left Klive in turtle form in an ashtray with only the company of the local walrus to keep him occupied. In his guilt, the boy stripped down till he was wearing only his bra and his polka dot boxer shorts and donated all of his clothes to Edgar the Octopus, who accepted them gladly. The boy then embarked on the long, cold walk back to his village so that he could start planning how he was going to save Jenni and Klive.
Chapter V
Two days and two nights passed, but the boy still hadn't figured out a plan for how to save Jenni from the Moskovites or return his beloved brother Klive back to his human form. He was sitting in the house that belonged to his Mother and step dad, who also happened to be a wizard, watching two snails race across the beautifully sewn carpets that seemed to fill every floor of the holy land, watching the snails go at it seemed to inspire the boy, it gave him optimism about the task ahead. He knew he didn't have much time left, as the Moskovites always left their victims washed up in the local water supply after twenty six days, and already fourteen days had passed. The boy once again packed up his belongings in a backpack, he knew he had a long tiring journey ahead of him. The boy gave his mother a hug, as he was about to leave, she didn't know what was going on, but she had heard about Jenni going missing, so she had her suspicions, then the boy went over to his step dad the wizard and shook his hand, he knew he may never see him again. The boy walked to the local tavern, where his brother Klive had been turned into a tortoise a few days prior to this, the pub landlord Patrick was looking after Klive whilst he was a tortoise. The boy could see the faces stare right through him as he walked in, they were dissapointed in him, how could he let something like this happen to his brother Klive, who was voted most popular boy in the Holy land for the past three years running. The boy decided to ignore them, he knew he would make everything alright again, as he walked around to the end of the bar, he saw Klive sitting on a stool, even though he was a tortoise, Klive still had that happy go lucky charm about him, and even had the local Walrus feeding him grapes. The boy decided that Klive was happy and safe for now, his immediate worry was Jenni.
Chapter VI
The boy walked to the village gates, where the sheriff asked where he was off to at this late hour, the boy replied with a simple nod of his head, and suddenly the sheriff knew everything and opened the gate in the knowledge that the boy only had less 12 days left. Two hours later the boy reached the river virla, which had no bridge. He soon realized he had forgotten his Wellington boots, so he quickly made some make shift ones out of bamboo leaves. He wrapped the leaves round his feet and tied them with some string from his shoes. He then went down the bank and to his great surprise realised the water was too deep and went all the way up to his chin. The boy, who couldn’t swim, climbed back up the bank, as he would not risk the water getting any deeper for any sort of cream cracker the world could offer him. Once up the bank, the boy tried to think of other methods which could get him across the river. He then decided to walk along the River Virla and see if any new possibilities which would enable him to get to the other side of the river would arise. 180 minutes went by when the boy found an oak whose height matched the width of the virla. However he didn’t know how to chop it down. The boy got out the multipurpose utility knife his uncle had brought him for his 1st birthday and began to saw through the wood of the oak. But after 30 minutes the boy realised this could take him a week as he had only cut away 4 hijes* of the giant oak tree. At this point a woodpecker swept down a branch of the tree. The orange woodpecker asked the boy if he needed help in cutting down the tree and the boy responded with much enthusiasm to this idea. However the boy’s mood dampened when the woodpecker said that he would not help unless the boy gave up his only packet of Oreos to the bird. The boy weighed up his options, but because Jenni was in immediate danger the boy agreed to the woodpecker’s demands. The boy handed over the 1st Oreo, and the bird gulped it down before swooping down and pecked the base of the tree to sawdust. The rest of the tree then fell directly over the river virla. The boy’s idea had worked but it had come at a high price. The boy handed over the 2nd and final Oreo and gave the woodpecker his gratitude. He then began to cross the tree when a thought came into his head. The boy went back to the woodpecker and asked him for assistance on his journey to save Jenni in exchange for the strawberries he had taken on his journey. The woodpecker was bored of his country life and loved strawberries so his answer was going to be yes whatever day it was*. The boy then crossed the tree and reached the other side of the river, but now he had a companion.
*4 Hijes is around 1 centre meter in modern measurement conversions.
**Not including Pancake Day AD 834.
Chapter VII
At first the boy was overjoyed to have a companion, a travel buddy of such austere presence as the little woodpecker. This lasted for around 5-6 minutes before the boy started to think that he was a bit of a twat. The boy couldn’t tell why, he wasn’t racist or anything, but he just found that the woodpecker really got on his nerves and would be detrimental to his quest to save Jenni from the Moskovites. However, he decided to give him another chance after contemplating that when he ran out of food, he might need something to eat and that having an extra presence would be helpful. Woodpecker was seen as a delicacy in the Holy Land after all. The woodpecker could not talk, because this was real life and not a Disney film. However, the boy felt that he could communicate thoughts to and from his flying companion just by looking at him. They were both sending each other insulting thoughts when the boy heard his stomach rumbling rather abruptly. He was starving. By now, they had been walking for two days since the incident at the river. The boy told his companion about his hunger and the woodpecker promptly replied by insulting his mother. It dawned upon the boy that he was in familiar lands as he noticed a small house built in the Gothic style of the 18th Century. The woodpecker pecked on the door and it swung open in a slow way, reminding the boy of the racing snails he had seen recently on the Holy rugs. When they got in, the boy soon noticed that they were in the abode of Jurgen, the tame German. Nobody in the village understood a word that Jurgen said, probably because he only spoke in German Slang. The words ‘Spielbund ein frankewurten, ja? HOHOHO’ were written all over the walls of his house. Jurgen fed the boy and the woodpecker some mushrooms whilst they sat in complete silence. An hour later they decided to take their leave of Jurgen and resume their quest. Once outside, the boy looked at the compass that he had been using to lead him to the mountains of the Moskovites. The woodpecker then pointed out that the boy had been holding the compass upside down* like a fool. The boy was distraught! The consequences of this action could be dire, he had wasted 3 days and time was quickly running out for Jenni. He had been walking in the complete wrong direction and would have to flip his compass round by 180 degrees before the effects of the mushrooms started to kick in. He somehow managed to do this, and started the long journey back to his village. It can now be revealed to the reader that the woodpecker was called Gregory Bleu.
*The traditional Holy Land compass consisted of three circular parts arranged in a triangular format. The point of the triangle had to be held at the top.
End of Part 1
Part 2
Chapter VIII
The journey back to the village was long, and indeed treacherous. On the 3rd hour since they turned back Gregory Bleu had accidentally excreted on the boy’s head. It is believed by some Eastern warriors that birds excrete when they are faced with fear. This proves that idea correct, for Gregory Bleu had a terrible fear of the dark, and unfortunately, night had befallen upon the land. In shock and disgust, the boy glared a most evil glare at Gregory, the solemn woodpecker, who understood this to be an unspeakable insult to his former tribe, the Ypto. Gregory Bleu was so angry and disgusted by the evil glare, that for the next 6 and a half minutes, he tried to conjure up an insult so disturbing it would shake one’s spine. Alas, it was too late, Gregory did not possess the same sharp wit as the noble boy did. Now he was livid, in fact, so livid that he forgot to breathe for 24 long seconds. His body expanded, and his face went red, and in a quick moment, one of his wings fell off. He fell on his back and tried desperately to get back onto his feet. The boy remarked that this motion was similar to that of an upturned woodlouse, or house beetle. Still bitter about the faeces incident, the boy did not help Gregory to his feet, but instead took out his picnic blanket, laid it upon the dirt, and feasted on a mushroom, which was unfortunately squashed as he had saved it from earlier and had not packed it sensibly. He was then upset by the fact that he couldn’t fold the blanket as neatly as his mother had before, and it now took up twice as much space in his bag. He had to discard of one of his possessions in order to make room for the blanket. The decision took much time and energy, but he chose to throw away his favourite flask, the one he received for his 3rd birthday, and treasured until this moment. Finally, Gregory Bleu had found his feet, but they were slowed down by his lack of balance and inability to walk in a straight line as he had been walking in circles for 13 minutes. The pair continued on their journey.July 5th, 2010
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Jordan is a female from United States.
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