Yeah yeah, cheer up emo-kid. You don't want to hear the rant, move along.
How am I supposed to accept how after 23 years of wasting your time, effort, heart, soul, mind, sanity, and everything into something that only ended up being a piece of shit, to forgive yourself for that decision?
There is only one measure of success in the business - fame. Fame equals money, period. I've done everything - I've toured, I've signed the contracts, I wrote, I've supported, I was a slave to someone else, I played for someone else while hidden in the background, I know what it's like to promote something and end up having TWO FUCKING FRIENDS show up embarassed as hell to even know you, show up to a gig, and they expect you to thank them for coming.
That is the worst feeling in the world and I'm tired of fucking feeling it. Why the FUCK do you think I did the drugs, starving myself, killing myself? Because I'd rather feel some kind of death than that rejection again. And I can't book shit anymore because those dirtbag promoters already put someone else up there.
I've been waiting for a time when I can hit that spotlight, and what do I have to show for it? A fucking piano bar one time in Canada, or a crowd of thousands who were too fucking drunk to remember who the fuck I was.
I'm approaching 30. Aged fucking 30. Who the hell am I trying to kid? "Say something meaningful, be something meaningful, be something more, be someone's hero" - am I fucking out of my God damn mind? Who am I? Nothing. Nobody gives a flying fuck if I gave up. They'll just listen to somebody else.
I'm starting to see the truth; anyone could do what I do, the way I do it. Anyone. I don't do shit with this so-called bullshit "talent" that's only cost me people, pain, and what little normalcy I still got.
I've changed nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.
"But only play because it makes you happy, play for fun."
It's not fun playing to nobody, let alone people who won't listen. It's not fun not knowing why you're even there, feeling embarrassed to even be onstage, to be looked at and shoved off. I'm speaking on behalf of all the indie artists and local artists out there, we're so FUCKING TIRED of us being looked at as background soundtracks to your fucking candlelight "LET'S TALK LOUDER THAN THE BITCH THAT'S PLAYING, IT'S SO DISTRACTING, SHE SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP" dinners.
Why do you think I write music that's so loud and shocking? Not because I'm an attention whore. If I was an attention whore I'd be a fucking funny-ass parody writer, because that's all the internet is good for anymore. Just look at who made it through the internet...Lisa Lavie got fucked over by management, nobody gives a flying fuck about Mia Rose (when she was in Portland, ugh...it was ugly - that's why they put the cameras on her in the YT vids of her, because the audience walked out), and who's big? Bo Burnham, Tay, Dave.
I sing songs about Iran's people getting constantly fucked over, addiction to drugs over people, how America has split up into passive-aggressive factions in almost pathetic ways. You know - you guys are right. I guess either it's not really all that important, or maybe I just suck at giving out the message.
Maybe I do suck and nobody's strong enough to tell me. Maybe that's what you people need to do.
I want you to e-mail me now. And tell me to give up. To give it up, that's it too late, that I'm not good enough, that I'll go nowhere, that it doesn't mean a fucking thing. I need it. I need that to let go of this stupid fucking dream that started when I was a kid and hasn't gone anywhere since.
Most of you won't understand. Imagine it's Plato's cave allegory and all you have to judge yourself and your world on is the shadows you're creating on the cave walls, and not yourself (if you're not familiar with this allegory, look it up). Except instead of shadows - I just have other people.
You may call it attention whoring, but I call it good business. And it's the only way to vindicate how good you are and how talented you are. THE ONLY WAY. Fuck how happy it makes you. IT IS THE ONLY WAY. Music's no good if nobody's around to hear it. That's something you should feel when you're practicing alone, getting READY FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO HEAR.
Curse the fucking day I thought this was a fucking good idea, that being good at this or THINKING I'm good at this would come to any positive consequence. Fuck the fact that I ever picked this up. Maybe if i didn't I'd be able to look myself in the mirror and be proud of what I have, instead of wondering if what I've got to offer the world is any good.
When I give this up - I'm leaving with a total audience of 0. Just like how I started. I guess that's just how it ends.
I wish this was for attention, I really do.
But this is a lesson more than anything. I'm teaching it to you so maybe you don't have to waste all your fucking time and energy either.
The lesson is: Don't fail.
