I read through a post I made in my online journal (yeah, I have one of those) and I must say that I feel...inspired. I wrote this a few months ago and I want to share it. It's AMAZINGLY loooong, but if you read it, you'll get to read a part of who I really am and how my brain works. Some of it has things to do with people I interact with, but if you disregard that, you may understand me a bit. Give it a read, or not. It'll feel good if at least one person reads it through. There are some typos that I don't want to find and fix right now. Maybe tomorrow.
Until then, here it is.
Have fun.
Life.
What IS life?
Sure, it's this intangible soul that allows us to think and move a physical body it's assigned to, but what is it's purpose?
I went to San Francisco yesterday with Cristy and Kaitlyn (that bitch) and I saw all these musicians. They were poor, bums, or traveling and they were...happy. You can see it by the sparkle in their BODY that they are genuinely happy. It might be a at-the-moment thing, but you can tell that they were radiating from their own sound. It was in many musicians, not just one. It was Cristy who mentioned this and the thought has seeded into me like something that's a bit possessive. I can't get my mind off of it and the movie I just watched a while ago isn't helping. It's called "Mr. Nobody." The only reason I watched it is because Jared Leto was in it, but it focused on the question of reality and all the paths we can take in life and how it affects us. It's a bit like "The Butterfly Effect" which they do mention (not the movie, but the effect itself). In the end, Mr. Nobody is asked by an interviewer something like..."All these lives you mentioned. Which is the right one? It's all contradicting each other..." Then Mr. Nobody replied, "They are all right. Every life I talk about is right." In every life, he died. All of them. So how are they all right? Because as a kid he had the ability to look in the future and he saw what each one would do and when he decided which life to take he took one that he never mentioned throughout the movie. Why? Because he didn't know what was yet to come. Before that, he did choose the life that lead him to marry the woman he loved MOST and he was absolutely most happy though he suffered quite a lot to get there. He was a bum for a while, waiting and waiting by the light tower for her to show up. Then he saw her, and became happy.
Ok, back on topic...We met a man in San Francisco named Ansem. Well, Cristy first met him while me and Kaitlyn were in the Ripley's Museum. Whatever...back to him. He's only been in San Francisco for like two days. Where was he before that? In another state. And before that? Yet in another state. He's constantly traveling. Cristy told me he went to college and graduated with a business degree. He's done quite a lot then one day decided to leave everything and everyone. He grabbed his guitar and just like that, he was gone. I would never in my right mind do that. Cristy met him while he was performing out in the streets. She stood around and got to actually talk to him. She invited him for some In-n-Out (Which is amazingly nice of her) so we all went. He is a VERY nice and chill guy. I wouldn't expect this from someone who pretty much doesn't have a place to live. After a good while of hanging out with him we had to go find the BART to go to the concert hall so we departed from him. I gave him $10 to help with his travels or whatever he wants to spend it on, even if it's weed, I don't care. He deserves it if that's what makes him happy or feel good. What I was most impressed was that throughout that time we were with him, he was joking with us, laughing and constantly smiling. He was grateful and didn't show any signs of tear, besides his crummy sweater. <--- Yes, that's humor. Okay, continuing...I liked how happy he was. I really did. No, it's more a love thing. I LOVE how happy this man was. And HE'S YOUNG! Like 24! Amazing. I also asked if I could buy one of his albums but he was out, so he gave me his card (yes, he has cards) and told me to contact him whenever for a physical CD and he'll gladly send us one when he's able to. Good guy.
Later on, we went to the BART and when we almost got out of that station I heard this deep, amazing voice. Me and Cristy were talking walking out, and this voice made me freeze. I completely stopped and faced where the sound came from. I walked quickly and there I saw a black man in pretty much gangster-ish clothes. He had baggy jeans, a hat and bandana, chains and other stuff, and this voice. This amazing voice. He is, or was, a professional opera singer. He lost his job, so now he's out here. I stood there mesmerized and he obviously noticed because we were the only ones there. I took out money and gave him a tip then bought a CD which is LIVE FROM GERMANY! His boss should go to hell and burn with Hitler. He was extremely grateful and happy because it filled me with complete joy. His smile never escaped his face even when he was completely alone and never noticed anyone's presence. It was there. Always.
Fast forward. When we were at the concert hall, which is completely beautiful, Kaitlyn argued with us and I did the most mature thing I could do and said something like, "If you guys want to have an argument for something that's not needed and stupid, I'll stop because there is no point." She stood up and walked away pissed. There, me and Cristy were extremely irritated and thought about what we could do. She suggested finding another ride home. Maybe ask Dr. Simms, our band conductor, because he was there but that wouldn't be a smart move for a personal issue he's not involved with. I thought about finding a hotel and taking the train home. Then she asked if sleeping out in the streets will be ok. I first said no, then I thought about how it can be an adventure and I might end up loving it...then it hit me. Ansem. We could ask him! We have his number, why not? We both sat there stunned at this chance. We were both down to stay the night with him, hell why not? We can be happy off of this, right? She was about to call but it came to me that it wouldn't be a smart idea. We don't know him at all and something terrible can happen so we put up with Kaitlyn.
We sat there talking about how we don't need college for life. We don't need an education to be happy. We thought about how we could've stayed with Ansem and what if we never went back home? What if we ended up loving being out and traveling. In reality, we don't need college to be happy. We really don't. We don't need any of the possessions we have to be happy. It's livable and can attract something abstract and different. These moments of epiphany are what impact most. I don't need this life style I have to be happy. I do choose to continue living in it, but I really don't need it to be happy. If I can read the future like Mr. Nobody, I know I'll be able to choose wisely, but in the end, I'll rather live blind. I always live life spontaneously. I allow no dilemma to bother me too much, and if it does, I quickly choose one option, because I can live with it, and let the other option be a mystery. If you think about it, which ever option you choose, the other will ALWAYS be a mystery unless if chosen in the past. So every decision in life always has this shady side that we may never find out about or know enough that we can dissect it in every angle. Life is full of unexpected moments because we are constantly blind. We must plan for plans to change so when they do, we are back in plan. The universe follows Murphy Law because that's exactly what it is. Chaos. And within all that chaos we must find that spot of infinite opportunities that allows us to cringe a smile because it's meant to be there. We are who we are because of our regrets and what draws us to be happy. The Law of the universe is to be chaotic, so what's the Law of humanity? The Lord of the Flies shows that humans are inhumane (wrong word but fits perfectly) or chaotic in nature, but that's just our designed way of wanting more. Why? More makes us happier. We are in the constant strife to be happy, no matter the cause. There isn't a guideline of life that says, "Follow these steps, and you will be happy." We are ENCOURAGED to go to college and continue our educations to accomplish certain parts in life. My parents never followed through and went to college, almost none of my relatives have and look at them. They aren't always the happiest, but they continue living this life because they can't find anything happier, so they accomplished their life of happiness. If they can find a greater good for them, they'll follow it. My only relative that's going to college is my cousin, Christian. He's not going to a CSU or community college. He's going to vocational school. Why? Because he loves to cook. Why would he follow another life style if this is what makes him happy? I'm sure if it weren't cooking, or anything that involves an education, he'll follow it.
Life is this constant cycle of up and downs and we all want that bell curve to stop it's momentum at one moment, the top. There we will find perfection for ourselves. Individual perfection is the only form of perfect. To find perfection for another, isn't complete happiness within one self because no two people are the same. We must continue living where we know we fit in most, no matter if it's the strange, freak, outcast, model, differentiated, anorexic, bulimic, gay, hairy, doll-loving, taboo-phile style of life. That style of life will always be our own normal because socially, "normal" does not exist. We are who we are because we want to be happy. We are who we are out of decision or unconscious actions. Our subconscious always knows what it wants, so it seeds our thoughts, or inactive mind to do so. This hard work will always have the same ending. Every road we take, every person, no matter rich, or poor, collide on the same junction. Some decide to live life on the road, some to settle in one location, some to be constantly high or drugged, some to educate themselves as much as possible and their best friend is the word "why," or some that decide to write so much about what's stuck in their head on an online diary. The life styles out there are endless because we all have a different fantasy of personal happiness. When we all meet, we hope we have reached our goal.
I don't over analyze some portions of life for one reason only, I'm going to die one day. That's not avoidable. Why struggle with things that aren't worth thinking about and replace those things with something that can make us happy. Maybe we don't live once, maybe with do, but I choose to fill as much of it as possible with happiness and excitement - with spontaneous moments that I'll remember, or not, with things that make me smile. We all die. All of us. What we accomplish in life will be forgotten, our souls in this world will be forgotten. No one lives forever in mind, so why do we work so hard when it's not needed to make us forever happy? I always think about that moment, when I die, I mean. How this zenith is what finishes this glorious life I mostly chose to live. When I die, I have to decided to have a happy funeral. Why? To celebrate my long life of happiness and so people can look up to me and choose the same and make others happy even after life. It's the least I can do. Give the happiness to others because I have no more action to personally do it when I'm gone.
Here are my lessons for life:
1. Be happy.
2. Don't work too hard if not needed.
3. Follow your beliefs.
4. Love if personally needed.
5. Learn to forget.
6. Grow from dissatisfaction.
7. Always grow and step forward.
8. Don't let the bad moments take over your body and release the bad in tears when you must.
9. Don't be ashamed of who you are.
10. Smile. It's sometimes the best medicine to anything.
In this life, I will continue to work hard for what I want to be happy. My lifestyle of happiness still has many years of education, but if I were to expand what I'm thinking, I can be happy with many, many other lifestyles. Too many, in fact. I will always do my best to be happy for myself and others. I will continue what I personally want most and disregard the hate if it's not needed.
Life is the challenge of finding happiness.
