I had been waiting over a month for this day to come and I was finally in the car on my way to the venue. Finally I was going to meet the group of men who saved me from crossing the edge into depression, and I was shaking with nerves. Things had been tough all week but everything had been let out the window when I got into that car with Travis and his brother. We left school behind and made our way to Grand Rapids; the city I had so many painful memories in, the streets were crawling with them and I couldn’t feel any more upset that I had picked the Grand Rapids date.
I realized halfway there that I picked that venue in hopes that maybe it would bring closure, I mean the breakup was over three months ago. I should be over that by now, but I’m just not. It was hard for me, especially since he had introduced me to Go Radio. Going back to that city without Dylan being there felt like a bullet to my heart and it was my own fault because I picked Grand Rapids.
We passed the Grand Valley campus near the express way and I thought, “Oh, Dylan, I’ll be seeing you soon.” But that’s not what happened and it wasn’t going to happen because he no longer attends Grand Valley and no longer lives in Grand Rapids. And he no longer loves me. The thought crossed my mind as we pulled to a stop a few feet from the venue. Travis’ brother let us out of the car and we walked towards The Intersection, and my heart was heavy as a cinder block inside my chest. I knew this was a different experience; I wasn’t attending a show with the one person I wanted to be with.
It was entirely different, but it was okay because it was Go Radio. I stopped caring about the breakup and started caring that this was my birthday present. I was going to enjoy it, not sulk over Dylan.
We waited in line with some very friendly people (Payton, Amilia and Dani). The VIP coordinator came out and told us there was an hour and a half wait because the boys were running late. Which no one had a problem with, and in all honesty not even half the VIP’s had shown up yet. There were only six of us, I believe, not even six that I recall. Travis, being the smarty he is, didn’t eat lunch before we left because he figured we’d be stopping. I didn’t allow stopping on the way because this was Go Radio and I refused to be late because he was a dumb shit and didn’t eat.
After the waiting, the VIP coordinator came out again and had us follow him into the back for our sound check performance and meet and greet. We all followed him and they were setting up things on the stage. The first thing that crossed my mind was, “Holy shit, I’m going to meet Jason, Alex, Stephen and Matt. Holy fucking shit.” I mean these were the guys who saved my life, who helped me through my recent breakup, and I wanted to say so many things to them. I wanted to thank them and hug every single one of them and just cry.
During the sound check they told someone to suggest a song and there was a couple there who requested ‘The Truth Is.’ That’s a lovely song; I have no problem that the guy suggested it, but I just have a lot of feelings attached to that song. It’s just, forgetting Dylan was hard to do when they were playing a song that he had put on a mix CD for me and sang to me in the car countless times. I started recording it when I could get my iPod out of my pocket. But by the time Jason was singing ‘if I could walk the Earth a thousand times, I’d do it ‘cause I love you’ I was crying. I was crying so hard you can hear my breath catch and the sob come out at the end of the video.
They finished that and jumped off the stage to come hang out with us, and Travis and I were just standing there. Alex and I locked eyes for a brief moment and he walked over to us. In my mind I was freaking out when he asked how we were, or whatever it was that he asked. I mean it was Alex Reed; Alex FUCKING Reed was standing right in front of me and just talking to us. He’s a really funny guy, actually, and super attractive (obviously). Travis or I had mentioned this concert was a birthday present from my mother and his eyes bugged out, “It’s your birthday?!” He exclaimed, his eyes still wide, and he opened his arms and hugged me. Alex FUCKING Reed hugged me and told me happy birthday.
I don’t know if you’re getting just how excited I was about that, and I honestly still am. I can’t believe it. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day.
But after that I mentioned that it was my friend’s first concert and Alex smiles and turns to him, holding out his hand and says, “Sir! It’s an honor,” and he shakes Travis’s hand. It was all smiles and laughs meeting him and I can honestly say that he’s one of the nicest people I’ve met, and he gives the best hugs. You hear that Alex? You win the award for ‘Best Hugger in the History of the World’ courtesy of Katelynn Hixenbaugh. It’s not much of an award, but it means a lot to me that you wished me a happy birthday and hugged me.
So we went back outside to wait for the doors to open so we could watch the show. We hung out with our new friends in line and had a right good time. Soon we were heading inside the venue, getting our Minor Marks so we couldn’t buy alcohol, and standing at the edge of the stage. My thighs were digging into the stage we were that close. It was my first time being front row for anything, and my first time being a VIP. My heart was going a million miles a minute, I thought that it would eventually just jump out of my chest and sprint away. We watched the first few bands play and they were all amazing but I just wanted Go Radio.
They came bursting out with their guitars and Stephen ran to the drums as they opened with ‘Lucky Street.’ It was a clash of emotions from me as the crowd surged and sang along. I knew all the words to every song on the set list and I was damn proud of that. I screamed the lyrics along with Jason and sometimes I even sang backup with Alex, I alternated, but it was mostly with Jason. I jumped with the crowd; I clapped with them and beat my fists onto the stage when I got overly emotional. My hair was a hot mess and I was crying for half the concert because I was so happy. I was sweating through my heavy cotton tank top and even through the shirt I had over it.
During the first few songs I had my hand up as I screamed the lyrics, and Alex came to the edge of the stage playing his guitar. I moved my hand back because I didn’t want to hit his guitar or make him feel like I was invading his space or something, I’m weird like that. But what I didn’t mean to do was curl my fingers. Alex looked down at me and slung his guitar onto his back because he had a break there, and he leaned down to look me in the eyes. At this point I’m internally screaming, like he knows this is for my birthday and he knows this is special to me. He raises his hand and interlocks his fingers with mine as he sings the lyrics to me. Behind me there’s a scream from a fan girl wanting to be in my place, but I’m too lost in focusing on Alex to really hear it.
The hand holding only lasts a few seconds because he needs to play, but it felt like hours to me. His hand fit into mine so perfectly and it felt like he was looking straight into me with his eyes. It was crazy and I turned to Payton, my eyes brimming with tears. I looked back up at him and he was smiling, eyes closed, and singing into his microphone. I don’t think he realizes exactly what he did there, that moment of us just holding hands was better than anything I could have asked for. It was better than breathing or sleeping, it was even better than eating. My heart leapt in my chest and I just wanted to crumple into a heap of happiness.
Too soon the concert was over and we were heading to get a picture of Travis with Alex and me a picture with Jason because I already had one with Stephen and Alex. Travis got his picture with Alex and then we were waiting to get mine with Jason. I was trying to remember everything I wanted to say to him, which went something like:
Hi, Jason, your music is amazing. I never take off my Goodnight Moon bracelets because they give me hope. You’ve saved me from suicide so many times so thank you for that, your music speaks to me. It literally makes me weep, I fall to my knees every time I hear ‘House of Hallways’ and ‘The Truth Is,’ and ‘Why I’m Home’ is a tearpocalypse. I just wanted to thank you for existing, all of you really, and I wanted to thank you for doing this tour.
But what came out was:
Hi, I’m Katelynn.
It was in that moment when I realized that I’m a complete dummy. But he said, “Hello, I’m Jason!” In the most cheery voice and all I could say was, “Can I get a picture?” He said, “Of course!” and I got my picture taken with him looking all cute while I was sweaty as fuck. I just can’t believe I’d forgotten everything I’d wanted to say to him, what I wanted to talk about with him. After that I went to Alex and Stephen, I don’t know where Matt was during all this; probably getting pictures with fans. But I shook Alex’s hand and said, “Thank you for making my birthday amazing,” and Stephen looks at me and says, “It’s your birthday?!” I just smiled and explained it wasn’t until next month, but it still counted as a birthday present. He wished me a happy birthday and with a small, “Thank you,” from me I left to go find Travis.
He was outside talking to his brother and when he saw me he stood and we went off to the car. After we got into the car I called my mother, sobbing, and told her I loved her. She asked if I had been drinking, which made me laugh because I was just really happy. I fell asleep singing the lyrics to ‘Lucky Street’ and woke up just before we stopped at McDonalds for a shamrock shake. I sipped at it quietly going through the events of the day in my mind, and by the time I was finished with my shake I was crying again. March 22nd, 2012 will forever be the best night of my life. This is a thank you Jason, Alex, Stephen and Matt for existing, and thank you for saving my life; thank you for making beautiful music that makes me sob, thank you for doing a tour, thank you for being you, thank you for being amazing, and thank you for making my birthday the best day ever even though it isn’t for another three weeks.
I love you guys very much, and I mean it when I say it. I love you all. You’re all brilliant, so please keep making music. Please continue to be you.
Thank you so much.
