the past two months have been rough to say the least. i have experienced emotions i would not call happy in any way, bordering on depression again. but out of this, i have learned a great deal. painfully and through experience i’ve been educated by reality in a way i never wanted.
when it all started my first instinct was my defense mechanism of choice, crawl inside and don’t let people in. my twisted mindset is that if i tell people i am anything but wonderful, i become a burden on them. (i think this comes from my years with overly dramatic friends where the drop of a hat is a crisis.) thankfully, i had a friend who was honest enough with me to admit her concern, telling me i was doing so when i didn’t realize it was unhealthy.
so, starting with that friend, i was honest about my pain. i let her know that days were not good and my spirit was struggling. this was hard for me to do and realizing that it was necessary took more time. but she drug out of me how i actually was. after a while of this, i would open up to a few others, ones i knew cared immensely for me enough to selflessly share my sorrow. i still felt bad for it but i needed to be honest with how i was rather than pushing it back.
i’m aware that people look up to me, i’ve stopped trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. but in this, among many dangers, is my belief that i have to be strong all the time &if i’m not, it will cause others to struggle. my weakness shows my humanity. it takes so much more strength to be open with my struggles than it does to hide them. it was so difficult for me to be that vulnerable with those who looked up to me, being transparent with my soul’s condition.
but in doing these difficult tasks, i experienced healing that was so, well, healthy. honestly, the last time i can remember hurting close to this much was in middle school. i dealt with it in such wrong ways that it took years to move beyond the pain. maybe it’s maturity but i think mostly it’s the incredible group of support i have in my life that has helped me so much.
i told best frand that i feel like i’ve been on an accelerated healing course. it’s liberating, sharing the truth about weakness. i have grown so much in such a short time because for the first time, i was opening my teary eyes to what is necessary.
growth comes from being uncomfortable. complacency and apathy do nothing for your spirit. the true healing comes from being vulnerable with those who care about you. people really do care and aren’t dependent on me to always be one hundred percent. in helping a friend in a similar situation he asked what he could do. my response was, “You can be openly vulnerable. When someone asks how you are tell them you aren’t alright. Rather than thinking your weakness will cause others to struggle allow it to be a sign of your humanity.”
matthew 5:4, “blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.”
