I'm not saying I'm depressed.. or miserable.. or really anything you might think. It's more a feeling of restlessness.
And I don't just mean I need a job, or a tour, or a play or anything like that, although any of the above would help. I need to change things, big things, the seemingly random jumble of factors that right now help form my own perception of 'me' that are, in reality, quite detached.
Right now, what I am is everything that's sitting in this chair and nothing else. Not the clothes on my back or in my wardrobe, not my bedroom, my ornaments, the ridiculous amount of crap I've managed to accumulate and drag back with me over the years since I left home.
I am the maddening insecurities, the tired eyes, the skin that can't make up it's mind, the off-colour humour, and all the other things that aren't interchangeable, that I can't throw away or trade for something more 'ideal', as if I even knew what that was.
I want to leave it all behind. I want to take me, the real me, away and start something new. I want to build up this new perception, see how I function away from the preconceptions my possessions and conditionings have built for me.
And why? Because what I'm trying, and haven't quite managed yet, to make myself see is that I'm enough.
I know that must be true because it's what every convoluted self-help book and inspirational motto will tell you and it's what I, with a conviction bordering on religious, would tell anyone who I think feels even slightly how I feel right now. You are enough. I am enough.
So maybe that's my New Year's Resolution.. a bit late, but there we are =P
